The Worst Bathroom Layout Ever
But in some ways... the best bathroom experience?
Est. Read Time: 5 minutes. Read Time brought to you once again by the Ashburton Energy + Hair Logistics Group, in association with the Bradley Hills Bureau of Corrections + Housing.
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SHOWS
Big Pine Comedy Festival in Chandler, AZ - Wednesday 9/25-Sunday 9/29 - tix to come; shows every day!
Laughing Skull Festival in Atlanta, GA - Thursday 10/17-Sunday 10/20 - tix to come; shows every day!
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If you’re in New Orleans, some exciting news coming soon!
Hello Sternal Journalists new and old!
Apologies for the late post, but also you’re welcome because I happen to know that you ne’erdowells frickin’ love it when I give you a distraction in the late afternoon on a Monday, based on the fact that late posts tend to do way better ~metrically~ than the normally late Sunday/early Monday posts.
Anyway! Today I am going to provide an update from last week’s “My new favorite bathroom Pt. 1.” Enjoy!
My new least favorite bathroom (configuration):
That’s right, you’re going to have to wait for the follow-up to “MNFBP1” because I encountered an entirely new bathroom layout. As you may remember from last week, I expressed (perhaps controversially) that “single bathroom, many stalls” is actually my favorite layout and “singular single-use bathroom” is my least favorite layout.
Well folks, a new player has entered the stall. This weekend, I went to a beautiful wedding that was truly expertly, thoughtfully, and lovingly planned. And though this was not a flaw at all, and actually added to the texture and joy of the occasion (more on that in a bit), I encountered what was unanimously decided to be the worst, or at least most confusing bathroom configuration at all time.
Profoundly simple, beautifully elegant, this is what we were dealing with:
2 bathrooms side by side
each for all-genders, but designated only with the very fashionable “W.C.1”
in each, a single stall
the stalls had locks
the bathrooms also locks
there were no urinals
Briefly, I would like to overstate that the bathrooms were beautiful, clean, smelled amazing, and were well-stocked with everything one might want in a bathroom and at a wedding.
But technically speaking, this is the worst bathroom configuration of all time because of one thing: uncertainty.
The same feeling that despots weaponize to turn their people against each other is the exact feeling that each of us were left with during the entire bathroom experience.
Because, as you dear reader may have already gleaned, the question—the big question—is do I lock the door to the bathroom?
On one hand: obviously not. There is a beautiful, robust stall that is designed so well that there isn’t even one of those trademark gaps between the door and the rest of the stall. Your business will be securely locked away so other may move about freely in the bathroom to… to… to what exactly?
Oh, this is a good point. Nobody would need to use the sink unless they had already used the bathroom and nobody is using the bathroom, so nobody needs to use the sink-
EXCEPT plenty of people need to use mirrors to freshen up and adjust bits and bobs, so really just leave it unlock-
BUT ALSO if it’s not locked, due to the extremely sturdy nature of the stall, prospective stall users may enter without immediately knowing whether someone is using it and then have to either get closer to better hear whether someone is in there (ew) or give some sort of “ahoy! who goes there?” which can feel silly or rude,
PLUS if you think about it, not locking it invites people to gather in the bathroom all making conversation while trying to pretend like they aren’t waiting for one person.
So we must lock the outer door!
EXCEEEEPT it actually saves a lot of time to have the outer door unlocked because then people can poo and piss while the next person is washing their hands instead of having to wait for them to fully vacate the bathroom, butwaitasecactually-
And it went on and on like for the entire reception, and truly, it was never determined what the best course of action was. But here’s where the texture and joy comes in. We all loved talking about it.
I’m talking guests of all ages, friends and strangers, people who were about to use the bathroom and people who had just used it—the confusing nature of the layout confused us all to such a degree that we (a) had to laugh about it and (b) had to talk about it.
I had no fewer than four conversations with at least seven different people about the best way to handle our situation, and even though nobody bought into my proposed solution (leave the outer door open so that it’s clear whether the stall is being used, and also people are invited to use the sink if desired/needed, but not cooped up in the room, making the current user feel rushed2), we all had a fun time and the bathroom-going experience was truly injected with joy.
So I guess in the end, while it was a terrible layout, it actually was another one of my new favorite bathrooms.
But now!
Recommendations!
Following. Film. I’ve recommended Christopher Nolan’s first film before, but I was reminded because I watched Memento on a plane and, while it was very good, I think I actually thought Following did the same thing but a bit more concisely. Since it is the far lesser-seen of the two, I’m re-upping my recommendation!
Seth Meyers and Lonely Island Pod: Iran So Far Away. Podcast Episode. I really love the new(ish) Seth Meyers and Lonely Island Pod, and I realllllly love the SNL digital short, “I Ran So Far,” so it was heartwarming to hear that it is also their favorite. For a podcast that is often lovingly cynical, this was a very positive and joyous ep. LISTEN.
Bed By 9. Music Video. And while we’re on the topic of musical comedy, you must watch this music video by my dear friend and very funny person Max Castillo aka BigTimeMaca. You may know him from TikTok as the guy who pointed out that the GoldenEye pause music go so same hard. But he is also a lyrical miracle. Production insanity from the folks (my friends as well) at GoodMilk films and great vocals and more from Tommy Wakefield. I am not exaggerating when I say the production value on this is insane. Give a watch plz.
Putting off til tomorrow. Way of life. Look, I shouldn’t do this all the time and neither should you, but it took a lot of stress off my plate to turn this SternJourn in a half-day late, so if you’ve got something you could do today, but also could put off til tomorrow and it might get you better sleep or whatever, you have my permission and encouragement to do it.
Anyway, here is a pic of a tiny street-legal tractor that I saw in a regular parking space in the catskills and I liked the face it was making.
That’s all for now! Much love!
Julian!
Normally, I use this area to say that you can upgrade to paid if you’re rich. I hugely appreciate those of you who have, but nobody should ever feel pressured to! (Although huge thanks to my recent new paid subscribers! You have made it slightly easier to do this!) AAAAALSO though, if you’re the type to hit a like or leave a comment and you just haven’t thought of doing it on the SternJourn yet, come on in! Lemme know if you love or hate the recs! All engagement unfortunately is good engagement. But if you do not have time, get outta here and don’t worry about it! I’ll see ya next week!
I have always thought it would be funny if just once, a bathroom labeled “Water Closet” just had a bunch of water in it that splashed you when you opened it.
Of course this sacrifices a bit of privacy, but perfect, enemy, good etc. etc.
Do you remember how Alyssa & Eric’s wedding had mini football helmets in the men’s bathroom?!