The AI Sneakers that totally got me
[PICTURE!] shoes so cool, they don't exist
Est. Read Time: 6 minutes. Read Time brought to you once again by the Ashburton Energy + Hair Logistics Group, in association with the Bradley Hills Bureau of Corrections + Housing.
New to the SternJourn? It’s a place where Julian (me) promotes shows; and talks about comedy, writing, productivity, and whatever the hell else he [I] want(s). Check out the best of 2024, 2022, 2021, or 2020 [I’ll get around to a best of 2023 at some point]!
Shows!
[Santa Monica, CA] TONIGHT Pizza Party at The Crow - Monday March 24
[San Diego, CA] **HEADLINING** Margaret Star’s Musical Comedy Show at MicDrop San Diego - Clairemont neighborhood - Thurs April 3
[Burbank, CA] Clean Comedy at Flappers - Sat April 5
[San Diego, CA] TBD - North Park - Weds April 16
[Hollywood, CA] The Hollywood Comedy - Friday April 18
[DC] The Comedy Loft [featuring for Ray Lau!] - Friday May 16
[Future Shows] Fill out this form to lemme know what city you’re in if you wanna see me perform there! Takes 5 seconds! Helps me make my grand plans!
Hello Sternal Journalists,
First, sorry for the tardiness. My weekend was jam-packed with celebrating friends’ engagements and departures, canvassing for the Mid City West Progressive Slate (see if you qualify to vote for me here!), and scheming with collaborators over coffee. My friend Chris assured me that a mid-morning SternJourn to break up the Monday return to office would be a nice thing.
Now, let’s get to my dispatch for the week. I got scammed! And I am going to show you how I got scammed, but first I’m going to tell you:
Here’s the thing about me: not a big shopper. For the first twenty-five years of my life, I really did not buy many clothes for myself. I was a sartorial blank canvas for various women who cared about me to collaborate upon. I could write a five-part SternJourn about how I didn’t even try jeans until I was twenty-four, and for most of my life, stuck to basketball shorts (which I called “athletic shorts”) and flip flops (I thought Rainbows were “nice shoes”).
But today, I will just talk about the latter: shoes. As a runner, I’ve always seen shoes as more functional. I always watched the mid-aughts cultural migration of nerdiness from genuine, actual weirdos who did not know how to dress or comb themselves and did not have any sort of mainstream cultural awareness; to “I’m such a nerd because I really love popular sports/music/television, and I also I wear cool sneakers and bomber jackets.” The bomber jacket proliferation, which I was guilty of, has thankfully dissipated to a degree, but the sneaker has stayed. I was skeptical for a long time because that’s my personality and I just liked Converse, but recently I have tried to be more open to cool sneaks.
So this is where you found me when, last week, I was reading some internet article on the New York Times and saw a banner ad for a shoe that just looked different.
The front looked like a stylish soccer cleat, but the back tapered off into a slipper/sandal back. It looked comfy, I did not think I’d ever seen a shoe that looked like this one (Narrator: “There was a reason for that.”)
But more importantly, the text on the shoe… was subsversive! In big letters, where you might see “AIR” on a Nike, this beauty said “AIP.” As if it was a typo. And then in a totally different font that almost evoked Comic Sans, a complete nonsense word: “GAGRUFEL.”
I love Gagrufel. Gagrufel is a very funny word. “AIP” is a joke typo, and “Gagrufel” is a joke reference to AI slop! I love this!
Another thing about these shoes? On the tongue, it says, “YUANXI SHETUAN.” If you google “Yuanxi Shetuan,” you will find nothing. Same of course for if you google Gagrufel. And I thought, “LOL this shoe just keeps getting better! The tongue appears to be a reference to some sort of unknown multinational corporation!”
I haven’t even told you the name of the company selling these shoes: Radiexactlyo. If Gagrufel is funny, Radiexactlyo is pretty frickin’ cool. I believe that a company with a cool name like Radiexactlyo would be selling shoes that satirize AI and multinational corporations!
For a (once) kid who has always been skeptical of/scared of fashion, but now wants to engage in it, these were the perfect mix of genuinely cool and expressive of my attitude towards being genuinely cool.
Plus?! The AIP Gagrufels (along with every other item on Radiexactlyo’s site) were 70% off! I’ve heard many stories about the deals one can get shopping on Instagram and Tiktok Shop and other random internet venues, and so I decided to take action, be resolute, and get me a pair of the coolest I’d ever seen.
…
…
Of course, reader, you know what happened. I realized almost immediately that this was a SCAM. These shoes weren’t making fun of typos and shady companies and AI slop. They were living it! It is time now to show you the shoe that captured my heart and sixty of my dollars.
You will laugh. You will think I am a fool. But I will say, no. I am a man who believes in fashion. I am a man who thought it was possible that a company might be so tapped into culture, so tapped into the zeitgeist, that they felt that they could market a stylish shoe that was also a joke; and that this company would go so bankrupt off this good intention that they needed to start selling them for 70% off. I know I was burned, but I believe the world is a better place with my mindset in it, and would be an even better place if everyone had a fresh pair of AIP Gagrufels on their feet.
Behold:
AIP Gagrufel, you have my heart. But luckily, thanks to Paypal’s generous scam protections, you no longer have my money.
Recommendations!
Black Bag. Film. This new Steven Soderbergh domestic spy thriller is a hoot and a half. Three couples who all work for the British spy service bicker and fight about who the mole is. If you enjoyed the Donald Glover Mr. and Mrs. Smith, or Architectural Digest, or insecure overachievers calling each other boring, you will LOVE this movie.
Love Me To Heaven. Song. The Jonas Brothers have tapped into an updated Bruce Springsteen/John Cougar Mellencamp vibe with this one and it works. I am perhaps biased towards the JoBros, but I also am not really sure where they stand in larger cultural opinions. Don’t we all kind of tolerate them? I feel like they go away for long swaths of time and just every now and then drop something that’s like, “Aww, I miss those guys. This is fun.” And that’s what this song is.
Just Us. Song. Of course I also have to shout out the new Jack Harlow feat. Doja Cat song, Just Us. It is Jack’s horny confidence at its finest—“I wish it was just us in the b***/ But they can’t trust us in this b***/ ‘Cause I’m tryna bust nuts in this, huh”—and Doja’s also horny confidence at its finest.
Why We’re Polarized. Book. I’m a couple chapters into this 2020 Ezra Klein book, and already it feels like it should be required reading for anyone complaining about/worrying about the state of politics today! Especially had my mind about how in the 50s, the major complaint was that the parties were so similar that a voter couldn’t reasonably decide between the two (and why that was bad also).
Alrighy, Sternal Journalists! Have a great week and don’t get scammed!
Love!
Julian!
Normally, I use this area to say that you can upgrade to paid if you’re rich. I hugely appreciate those of you who have, but nobody should ever feel pressured to! AAAAALSO though, if you’re the type to hit a like or leave a comment and you just haven’t thought of doing it on the SternJourn yet, come on in! Lemme know if you love or hate the recs! All engagement unfortunately is good engagement. But if you do not have time, get outta here and don’t worry about it! I’ll see ya next week!
Also also, if you would come to a show if I was in your city, fill out this form (same form as before, so no need to refill if you already have!) It helps me plan and also prove to bookers that I have some sway in your place!