Sternal Cenny 3: BROKEN PROMISES

Show this Thursday!

Est. Read Time: 5 minutes. Read Time brought to you once again by the Ashburton Energy + Hair Logistics Group, in association with the Bradley Hills Bureau of Corrections.

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Good evening-OR-morning, Sternal Journalists!

Against all odds, Sternal Centennial Month continues. But first!


Costume Party and Comedy Show at Mama Shelter Rooftop THIS THURSDAY 10/28. DJ KG Superstar will be spinning from 6pm and the show goes from 7ish-9ish.

—But if you can’t make that one, I’ll be at Mama Shelter again next Tuesday November 2nd from 7:30 to 8:30.

(((I will probably be doing a couple songs this week and “classic” stand-up next week, but you never know and neither do I. I promise to just be fun.)))


As we wrap up the nearly month-long celebration of my completing 100 (now 102 total Sternal Journals), I’m excited because I have no less than three (3) ideas in development for upcoming Sternal Journals. In the past, I would have told you what these 3 ideas are.

In general, Sternal Journal ideation is feast or famine. I either have 3-6 ideas and am able to relax and coast through publishing them for a couple months1, or I spend weeks without ideas and write about the first thing I can think of on Sunday. I’m happy to live in both modes, especially because some audience favorites were ideas that came to me at 1:00am Sunday night.

So here we are in FEAST MODE, but I’m not going to tell you what my ideas are. Because, as I now realize, when I’ve done that in the past, I’ve left you hanging!

You see, when I’m in FEAST MODE, I might be 100% sure that this week, I want to write about Idea A and next week, I’m definitely writing about Idea B. So I tease it! Because I want you to come back!

Only then! In the interim week! Idea C comes creepin’ outta nowhere and now I’m writing about that. Idea B gets kicked down the road so many weeks that I think it might be more like Idea (lowercase) b, and then I just forget about it entirely.

And so, here is an in memoriam—a short but comprehensive list of all of the Sternal Journals I swore I’d write but never did:

And that’s all! Hey, 5 unkept promises ain’t that bad. Of course, if you count each of the 97 Notable moments of sport individually, that’s 102 unkept promises with isn’t great.

Either way, let’s hold these almost-articles dearly in our hearts and I’ll keep them in my back pocket for whenever FAMINE MODE (not quite the same ring to it) hits.


The 7 1/2 Deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle. Book. This pseudo time travel mystery novel came highly recommended by two friends of the SternJourn. I’m halfway through and loving it. If you loved the movie Source Code, but wished it were a bit more Downton Abbey with a dash of Quantum Leap, this one’s for you.

No time to die: An in-depth analysis of James Bond’s exposure to infectious agents. Academic Paper. This incredible paper published in the science journal Travel Medicine and Infectious Diseases hypothesizes “that agents pre-occupied with espionage and counterterrorism may, at their peril, fail to correctly prioritize travel medicine.” These real-ass epidemiologists watched all of the James Bond movies and analyzed just how at-risk he is for travel-related health issues. It’s a 10 to 12 minute read and a must for any Bond fan. I don’t want to spoil much, but here’s a great snippet:

Given how inopportune a bout of diarrhea would be in the midst of world-saving action, it is striking that Bond is seen washing his hands on only two occasions, despite numerous exposures to foodborne pathogens. We hypothesize that his foolhardy courage, sometimes purposefully eliciting life-threatening situations, might even be a consequence of Toxoplasmosis.

h/t to the Sternal Journalist who shared this gem. You know who you are!

Always Love You. Song. Elton John, Young Thug, Nicki Minaj. Come on, right? (Honorable mention to the first collaboration between Elton and Thugger).

Mi$HNRZ. Band. I was about to leave a bar Friday night right when these guys started playing, and I and everyone I was with stayed through their whole set. They’re infectious! They’re a blast! I got a feeling about this one. Check ‘em out before they’re huge!

And with that, I PROMISE that you will have a wonderful day, night, or week!




Don’t worry, even in relax-and-coast mode, I stay up until 3am writing and wind up finding a way to make the work incredibly tedious in a way that will go entirely unnoticed.