It's not that fun to be in a room with celebrities
And why do you like the Oscars anyway? You don't like the Tonys!
Est. Read Time: 10 minutes. Read Time brought to you once again by the Ashburton Energy + Hair Logistics Group, in association with the Bradley Hills Bureau of Corrections.
New to the SternJourn? Check out the best of 2021, 2020, or whichever random classic this is.
Sternal Journalists!
I didn’t do it. I may never get around to editing the Big New Sternal Journal Interview. I’m really gonna try this week. I’m going to rearrange routines and such. I’m gonna sleep well, eat well, wake up early, and have it be the first thing I do in the morning.
Maybe you’re behind on some big task you really care about. If so, I invite you to join me in (a) not stressin’ about it, and (b) maybe tricking yourself by working on it when you normally do something you really like to do or something you really hate to do. That’s not advice so much as “here’s something I’m trying this week, no idea if it’ll work, but join me if you want!”
Anyway, the Oscars.
I didn’t watch them. I would have. I was performing at a show, and it was a really fun show—everyone was actually really present considering the fact that the Will Smith Chris Rock Slapping Event occurred just as everyone was filing in.
I of course have now watched the Japanese-dubbed video1 that was making the Twitter rounds, and all I have to add to the discourse is that yeah, it’s shitty to make fun of the way someone looks because of their alopecia, and yeah, it’s shitty to slap someone. They are both shitty in their own ways, which are not exactly the same way.
But you know what else is shitty? Awards shows! And this is coming from someone who loves them. I mean, they are the last remnant of classic showbiz-style showbiz. You got dumb jokes, a ton of celebrities, song and dance, ~solemn moments~.
But it’s kind of crazy that, out of the EGOT 4, the Tonys are far and away the least popular2, when the thing that they celebrate is staged shows. Which is what awards shows ultimately are! I know that I like awards shows because of all the pageantry! But why do other people? Is it literally because of moments like this? Kinda feels like it. Because this is the most excited I’ve heard anyone be about an Awards show ever.
Do we all just like awards shows because “You never know! Somebody might slap somebody else!” And now it’s happened? What do we do with that? As a fluke, it’s okay, but… if this is the point of it all? Like, if every year, somebody at the Oscars was slapped in an unexpected non-jokey kinda fucked up way… we should probably think about canceling the Oscars, right?
And until something as crazy as this happens again, you know we’re gonna lament the boring Oscars. So I do think that’s why we like them. Because yes, the whole thing is that “It’s live television! Anything can happen!” But what we’re saying under our breath or maybe not even fully admitting to ourselves is “Anything fucked up, that is!”
Double anyway.
Around this time every year, I remember when I was working the Maxim Late Night Oscars Party. Here’s some insider info—the only reason any company spends money on celebrity parties is so that pictures of those celebrities can be seen all over newspapers and the internet.
The more celebrities who are at your fancy party, the more pictures of celebrities standing in front of your logo will appear in the pages of People Magazine. If you do it right, you’re essentially running a full print and digital ad campaign featuring a bunch of A-list actors without having to buy ad space or pay any of the actors. It’s a good deal.
And the celebrities grumble and mumble about it, but ultimately make appearances because, while they are absolutely getting ripped off, it’s good for them to keep their profile up. It is technically marketing for them also. Not the worst thing in the world, but a little worse than the deal the brand is getting.
But all the extra party-fillers? The non-celebrities? They’re dying to be in this party. Because even if there are only a few big celebrities at a party, you’re at a party with multiple celebrities. You get to brag about it tomorrow.
Of course, it’s not that fun. Especially in the age of social media! We see celebs at parties on our phones all the time. To have any meaningfully different happen, you have to actually talk to the celebrity and then have them want to talk back to you. Most of the time, that’s not gonna happen.
Which means—if you can’t get into the party, you really aren’t missing that much. So just leave! Go to a bar! Or read a book at home! There are so many better options than be like this one guy I’m about to tell you about.
And I’m finally getting to the story: I’m in charge of the list at this after-party, and it’s a big production where they have to take a bus up from the parking lot into the hills. Which means I don’t even get to be near the party, which was a shame because Ludacris performed.
And I think everyone should be allowed into every party (especially if Ludacris is gonna be there!), but since my job was to only let in the people who were on the list, and I wanted to keep my job, I had to be careful. And so I was very polite and apologetic any time someone was not on the list, which happened often because people were obviously going to try to gatecrash all the parties they could. I would be disappointed if they didn’t.
And everyone was understanding when I couldn’t let them in, except for this one guy. This one guy had a vague publicist-manager-producer title, claimed that his friend who he was the +1 of was inside (but was unable to get said friend to answer their phone or respond to a text or email), and told me he was a “future member” of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association. He pitched a fit and then used his “status” to threaten that he would blackball me if I was in contention for a Golden Globe.
Which is a flattering threat.
Anyway, he didn’t get into the party, but I still remember his jaw dropping when he saw Ronnie from Jersey Shore getting a wristband3. And I also remember a few years later, when I was working the red carpet at a Grammy event and saw that he (the “Young Hollywood Foreign Press” guy; not Ronnie) was a red carpet reporter. I absentmindedly said to a colleague, “Woah, I remember that guy! He was really shitty to me one time.”
And without missing a beat, she said, “Him? Okay! I’ll give him a bad spot on the carpet.”
And that, friends, is a reminder that of course you should be careful who you’re rude to because you never know who’s going to make it and have power over you one day, but you should really be careful because a lot of people who don’t make it?
Still wind up having just enough power to fuck up your day every now and then.
Be nice to people. Celebrities don’t matter. Go watch a play if you like stage show so much. And now…
Recommendations
Party All Night. Song. This song by Baton Rouge rapper BBE AJ gives me big late aughts Atlanta dive club vibes.
The Access Trap. Article. I’m a sucker for education reporting, and this piece about a selective public school in San Francisco dropping its admission requirement made my head spin in ways good and sad.
Winning Time. Television. I’ve always hard talk of the Showtime Lakers and had no idea what it really means, so I’ve been enjoying this Adam McKay-produced HBO show that tells the story in a very Adam McKay way. I also welcome anyone who has watched the show and knows more about it if any of it is accurate whatsoever! It’s fun though! And very Adam McKay. Did I mention that?
Our Town. Podcast Episode. I’ve been cranking through This American Life’s recommended page, and really enjoyed this two-parter that deeply reports what actually happens to a small Alabama town that experiences an influx of Mexican immigrants. I thought it was balanced, heartfelt, and wonky in all the right ways.
Alright! That’s all for now. Much love to all, and again—be nice and don’t worry about parties so much.
Julian
P.S. for making it this far, here is my still favorite TikTok engagement so far:
P.S. I spend anywhere between two and twelve hours a week on the Sternal Journal. If you enjoy receiving it (and are RICH) consider becoming a paying subscriber. For just a few bucks a month, you can provide me with a bit more time to come up with fun topics, poems, and interviews; and you with probably fewer typos.
Neither here nor there, but I’m curious how that Japanese translator feels about being so hidden in plain sight in this whole kerfuffle.
In 2021, the Oscars drew 10.4M viewers, the Grammy 8.8, the Emmys 7.4, and the Tonys just 2.62.
Is it a little obnoxious that Jersey Shore people are making appearances at a party ostensibly celebrating cinema? Yeah. But I was willing to use that obnoxiousness for good.