How to modify the greatest car game of all time so it's not kinda skeezy
and is kinda the most important social decision-making tool we have?
Est. Read Time: 4 minutes. Read Time brought to you once again by the Ashburton Energy + Hair Logistics Group, in association with the Bradley Hills Bureau of Corrections + Housing.
New to the SternJourn? It’s a place where Julian (me) promotes shows; and talks about comedy, writing, productivity, and whatever the hell else he [I] want(s). Check out the best of 2024, 2022, 2021, or 2020 [I’ll get around to a best of 2023 at some point]!
SHOWS
[San Diego, CA] Roast of Cupid - Sun Feb. 16, 1p.m.
[Covina, CA] Chatterbox - Sun Feb. 16, 8 p.m.
[Santa Monica, CA] I Gotta Crow - Sat Feb. 22
[San Diego, CA] TBD - North Park - April 16
[Future Shows] Fill out this form to lemme know what city you’re in if you wanna see me perform there! Takes 5 seconds! Helps me make my grand plans!
Heya Sternal Journalists,
What a blast I had doing comedy in the many exurbs of Phoenix, Arizona. I opened for my good friend Sam Salem. He is a very funny guy who is loved by teachers (I’m saying this because I know a lot of teachers read the SternJourn) and totally ripe for capitalizing on as he is swiftly ascending to legitimate levels of fame (I’m saying this because I know we got a few movers and shakers reading the SternJourn). Eli Leonard was there. He is also a dynamo, but does not talk about teaching.
Here is a picture of me at a Don’t Tell Comedy show, which I have chosen to share because it’s the one where the audience looks the biggest and appears to be laughing the most:
There were some close-ups where the audience was laughing more, but I needed you to see just how many people were there. Optics are everything and I hate that.
The shows were really good though. Moving on!
Part of this trip involved driving. Not just driving, but driving for hours. All things considered, this road trip was very fun but every now and then you gotta bust out a game.
Here’s the thing. Many of my roadtrips were concentrated in high school, college, early 20s when the greatest game one could play was a game called F*ck, Marry, Kill in which you’re presented with three individuals and have to say which of them you would marry, which you would have a sexual encounter with, and which you would sadly kill off.
My quick perusal of Wikipedia did not provide an answer to by whom or when it was invented, but it did let me know that there was a British reality show based on the idea called Snog Marry Avoid, which is so very British.
I will acknowledge, as does the Wikipedia page, that there can be a meanness to it. Especially in younger days when you’re inevitably not just doing celebrities, but people you know, there is a gossipy pettiness that there’s not really a good excuse for.
I feel slightly better about having participated in many a FMK because I know for a fact that I have been discussed in a number of FMKs and received all three ends of the stick.
Still, as a 36-year-old, I didn’t feel like playing FMK, but I was craving something like it. And so, among fellow comedian friends, I proposed… Podcast, Open, BANISH! Where we decided who of the three individuals we would want to (a) host a podcast with regularly, (b) have them be our opening act for an important show, or (c ) somehow banish from doing comedy ever again.
It was exhilarating. There were many a Sophie’s choice in every direction. We all marveled at each others’ masterfully picked three-sets-of-individuals. But the reason I felt this worth spilling Sternal Journal digital ink over is that this alteration got me thinking, not only can you kind of do F*ck, Marry, Kill with anything, but you maybe should?
Because ultimately, FMK isn’t so much about planning your life (certainly nobody would be following through with the K part I hope). It’s about looking inward and contemplating who you want to spend your time with. We all have people we’d like to spend a lot of time with (marry, host a podcast with), people we’d be happy to spend a concentrated, fun time with (f*ck, opener, or HMS snog), and we’ve all got people we’d really prefer not to spend time with (kill, banish, avoid).
And sometimes you get three really good people! You want to marry/podcast with all of them! But that’s not how life works. You gotta pick and move on. And sometimes you wanna avoid everybody, but that’s also not how life works. Sometimes, you gotta snog who’s around.
In conclusion, F*ck, Marry, Kill is still kinda mean, but if you find yourself on a long car ride (or just faced with a decision about who to spend your time with), you just might be able to modify it to be one of the greatest social decision-making tools at your disposal.
Recommendations!
The Substance. Film. I finally saw it. If you don’t know what this is, I don’t know if you should watch it. The only two things I will say is, if you’re on the fence, I think most of the gross parts are funny gross and not scary gross; and I feel that I would be able to successfully take the Substance and not break the rules. I wish she had just put her host body in bed while not using it!!!!
I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles). Song. I was reminded by a representative of the Bradley Hills Department of Corrections that I forgot that this is absolutely one of the songs that at one time I thought was the greatest song of all time. Still do. DADALATDA.
Safety Dance. Song. This one too.
The Master Origami Artist Whose Collection Turned to Ash in Altadena. Article. Though the greatest tragedy of the LA fires were the 29 lives lost, many people who are safe but lost all of their worldly belongings are still surveying the damage and change to their lives. This is one tiny, sad, and slightly whimsical (and slightly uplifting) story in that mosaic.
Alrighty folks, much, much love to all! Have a great week. Lemme know if you come up with any super wild FMK variations.
Best,
Julian