[Disclaimer: language!] How old do you think motherfucker is? I'll tell you, motherfucker.
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BUM-BUM-BUM-BUUUM-BUUUM-BUUUM-BA-DA-DAM!
*Announcer voice*
Welcome back, Sternal Journalists, to another game of the Sternal Journal!
[Disclaimer: there will be some foul language and no sports in this issue]
If you're just joining us, the Sternal Journal is a weekly column where I, Julian Stern, share things that wow and perplex me. Catch up on past wowplexers here.
But this week: the age of "motherfucker."
(Before we get to that, though, another thing I do here is painlessly self-promote other things I've made, and maybe you missed this new stand-up bit I put out on Instagram. That's it, self-promotion over! So painless!)
Now, a little background on my relationship with the word motherfucker: we are very in love and have been for a long time. Why? Cuz it is good 'n crass (I love crassin' out), but it doesn't demean any protected groups (I hate demeaning protected groups!).
Also, while it obviously can be used out of anger I would argue that it's pretty ineffective when blurted out passionately.
Because! First of all, you got all those syllables. Four of em! Most angry-person words are one syllables, two syllables tops. They're dangerous because they're so quick. You can pretty much use them as punctuation.
But motherfucker? Motherfucker is practically a complete sentence! You just need a subject.
Proof: Jim fucked Mother.
See?! Motherfucker is one Jim short of a sentence. You can't effectively sling nearly complete sentences as curse words and retain the energy to stay angry.
I did a little dive to see if there were any five-syllable (or even alternate four-syllable) curse words and I found none. Please share if you have any favorites!
I did however find this delicious screen shot which I will present without context:
Moving on, I think it's way more fun to use out of joy. A "Hey, motherfuckers!" to some old friends, perhaps. Or a celebratory "Moo-theer-fu-cker!" when a pal achieves something they've been working towards for a long time. It's a friendship word!
In summary so far: a nice, friendly, take-your-time-with-it-motherfucker "Motherfucker" is a treat for the mouth. But a hurried, angry "MTHRFCKR" is like tossing some sturdy scissors into a wood-chipper: it'll probably get clogged.
Let's look at that screen shot one more time.
I watched the video. It doesn't really add any context, I swear.
Okay, so that's my history with the word, but my love for it is the reason I found this story I'm gonna finally share now. Record your guesses of the first year the word motherfucker was put into print before scrolling down, because I'm about to tell you:
Okay. 1889! Damn! Right? Damn! Motherfucker! That is old!
But friends, the book this is printed in is available in full to us thanks to the power of Google, and that book is called "The Texas Court of Appeals Reports: Cases Argued and Adjudged in The Court of Appeals of The State of Texas During The Latter Part of the Austin Term 1889, The Tyler Term 1889, The Galveston Term 1890, and Nearly the Whole of the Austin Term 1890 [Vol. 28]."
Woof. And you think I overwrite!
As Sternal Journalists, I'm sure you would value perusing the entirety of a primary document, but if you just want the goody-goodies, skip to page 203 for "M.H. Levy V. The State."
The long and short of it is this: A man named Levy shot and killed a man named Joiner in the street outside a saloon in a town called Bremond, Texas.
Again, you should read the whole account. It's only a few pages. But here are just a few salacious details.
--Levy was a marshall and Joiner was a justice of the peace currently running for reelection!
--At least Joiner was very drunk. Per the report, "Deceased was in and out of the saloon a great many times on that day, the books showing entries against him for 31 drinks." THIRTY-ONE!
--These boys were catty. The entire thing basically happened because they were gossiping about each other behind each other's backs. Justice of the Peace Joiner seemed to looove telling people that Marshall Levy was a "cow-stealing son-of-a-bitch."
--This is apparent because Marshall Levy's battlecry before shooting and killing Justice of the Peace Joiner was, "I will kill any man who calls me a son-of-a-bitch! I am no son-of-a-bitch and my mother is no bitch!" This is in the middle. Of town. At 3pm. (But also: a little wordy. Again, you think I overwrite?)
--And here's the motherfucker. The appeal spends a whole paragraph comparing the differing witness accounts of just what Joiner had called Levy earlier that day, and they include: "That god-damned lying, thieving son-of-a-bitch." OR "That god-damned lying, co-thieving son-of-a-bitch, Marshall Levy," OR "That god-damned, (sic) motherf--ing, bastardly son-of-a-bitch!"
So they bleeped it out, but it's still essentially the first print evidence of motherfucker being in use, and it got a guy killed. I'll be the first to admit that this pretty heavily undermines my theory that it's a happy word, but it was a different time!
One last thing about that. It gets complicated, but because of the use of son-of-a-bitch and motherfucking, they have to delve into this statute that, in Texas at the time, if you killed someone, but you can prove it was because they insulted a female relative of yours, your charge gets dropped from murder to manslaughter!
Gee whiz! Everything truly is bigger in Texas, including The Complicated Relationship Between Chivalry and Toxic Masculinity.
Again, please go read it for yourself. I would love to discuss.
And again again?
Other than reading the account of M.H. Levy v The State, my recommendation for the week!
Read this story about the songwriting controversy behind "Killing Me Softly." I love songwriting drama in general, but if you're going to watch the Grammys, Roberta Flack is getting a Lifetime Achievement Award, and those are generally boring, so knowing this underlying drama will make it a whole lot more interesting.
But also, celebrity band (and my friends!) The Shadowboxers have a hot new song that I've been blasting on repeat. Time Magazine and the Sternal Journal (two reputable sources) both think it is one of the 5 best songs of the week.
Okay! That's all!
Julian