My new favorite bathroom Pt. 1
A baby show riffs, some recs, a bathroom I loved
Est. Read Time: 5 minutes. Read Time brought to you once again by the Ashburton Energy + Hair Logistics Group, in association with the Bradley Hills Bureau of Corrections + Housing.
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SHOWS
Big Pine Comedy Festival in Chandler, AZ - Wednesday 9/25-Sunday 9/29 - tix to come; shows every day!
Laughing Skull Festival in Atlanta, GA - Thursday 10/17-Sunday 10/20 - tix to come; shows every day!
Pizza Party @ The Crow - Monday 9/23 @ 7:30PM
If you’re in New Orleans, some exciting news coming soon!
Hello Sternal Journalists!
It’s September in Los Angeles, which means it is hot and fly-heavy, but still, I’m having a pretty nice time. I did a show for babies this week. Here’s a little hastily-edited clip from that:
Not pictured (thought you can hear them!) are the literal three babies on stage with me, as well as the myriad in the audience (and to be clear, we were encouraged to do non-PG material so that the parents could “let loose,” but it was strange saying “Miss Rachel fucked Elmo” into a microphone in front of at least ten babies.
But this week was also great because I found a new All-Time Favorite Public Restroom…
The Snarkiest Bathroom Of All Time
And are you can see by the sub-heading, it was snarky. Now, I’m a big public restroom fan. I have favorites and I have opinions on how they should be. Here are my general rankings of layouts:
Single Restroom with Many Stalls: You get anonymity and you likely are able to choose from a variety of stalls, so at least one of them is okay.
Many Stalls, but they are all single-use (I.e. three or more private all-gender restrooms): This is still pretty good. You still get to have a fair amount of anonymity and therefore time and comfort to do what you wanna do, but if there’s a line, everyone’s gonna know who’s taking the longest (not that I’m always taking the longest, but it’s a fear of mine).
Restroom with only one stall: At least you’re out of the public eye, and nobody knows who’s doing what in there, but inside the restroom, if there’s a line for the stall, everyone’s gonna know exactly how long you’re taking in there.
A singular single-use bathroom: This is obviously the worst of all. Sure, you get privacy, but at what cost? Not only do the people waiting for the bathroom know how long you’ve taken, but everyone in the Starbucks or whatever it is know. Plus, this obviously can cause bottlenecks. It’s a nightmare.
I am confident that I am right about this order, but if you disagree, please comment or text me. I did just realize that the business card I gave out at Fringe had my personal phone number on it, so that’s something people could actually do.
For the reason of this order, I’m particularly fond of Target and Barnes and Noble bathrooms, and not particularly fond of most coffee shop bathrooms.
But beyond the layout, there are many other factors that I consider when judging a bathroom: cleanliness, how far down a hallway and therefore away from people it is, toilet water pressure to name a few.
But for the first time this weekend, I realized I should be looking at WOW FACTOR. Because Sternal Journalists, that is what I found when I arrived at Longevity Coffee in Thousand Oaks with an ambivalence towards coffee, but a deep need to take a piss.
Longevity Coffee falls into the category of shop that I would call Sneaky Sneaky This Business Has An Agenda. These places ten to look like a totally normal and banal business, but as you get closer, the geometry and tone of the signage—sometimes not enough information, sometimes way too much—gives you a weird feeling that “something is going on here.”
I experienced it once when I was driving through West Virginia and went to a coffee shop that really didn’t seem to want you to notice that it was attached to and run by a mega-church. And I also experienced it when I spent a day in Hyannisport and ate at a sandwich shop that was operated by a full-on cult.
Whether or not I love what they stand for (in both of these cases, I never totally found out), I love places like this. There is something very American in a silly way about trying to indoctrinate people with your free speech and freedom of religion, while also hiding it because you do want your small business to succeed. Not American in a way I am proud of necessarily, but American in a “ahaha, that is so us” way that I am trying to give myself more space to just chuckle about.
But I REALLY liked Longevity Coffee because, while they were a health food store that was definitely trying to push a certain lifestyle to also push their low-acid coffees and juices and such, their hidden agenda that they could not help but just force down your throat while also hiding away…
IS THAT THEY WERE PISSED THEY HAD TO HAVE A BATHROOM AT ALL.
How could I have known that? What does that mean? I’ll answer both of those questions with an image of THIS sign, which was above the toilet (which was single private use, but down a hall so I forgave it).
How petty! How snarky! The suburban rage of a small business owner faced with regulations they are annoyed by! I LOVE THIS SO MUCH! They had this PRINTED!
For what it’s worth, I like this rule. I am not one who pearl-clutches at local government overreach, I think the world needs more public restrooms, and I think the seats equals bathroom is probably just about the only way you could do that fairly. PLUS I was likely going to pee my pants if this bathroom hadn’t existed.
But boy, am I also glad the owners of Longevity Coffee were so pissed and empowered to print this snarky-ass sign and force their sneaky agenda on me. But Sternal Journalists, believe me when I tell you this is only the third craziest sign that was in this bathroom!!! There were like eight more signs, and I will share them with you next week or in a midweek bonus to finally get back on schedule post-Fringe.
BUT FOR NOW
Recommendations!
Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow. Book. I have not been able to put down this novel about three friends who start a video game company in the 90s. It is easily one of my favorite books. If you like video games or following friends from college to adulthood as they become colleagues, enemies, lovers in adulthood, you will devour. Fans of One Day or The Interestings will love.
Dead Man Laughing. Essay. Zadie Smith writes about her dad imbuing her with his comedy tastes, then about her brother trying stand-up, and then also about her brother going to Edinburgh Fringe. It made me go “holy shit” and “uh-huh!” multiple times. Very good, very much spoke to me.
Extraordinary. Television Show. Only saw the pilot, but it was very funny. Basically adult British Sky High.
If You’re Feeling Sinister. Album. I’m sure I’ve recommended it here before, but this Belle and Sebastian album is very good and I listened to it while driving out to Thousand Oaks.
The Interview: Will Ferrell and Harper Steele. Podcast Episode. LOVED hearing them talk about comedy. Excited for the documentary.
Alrighty, that’s all this week! Be snarky and enjoy a public restroom!
Much love!
Julian!
Normally, I use this area to say that you can upgrade to paid if you’re rich. I hugely appreciate those of you who have, but nobody should ever feel pressured to! (Although huge thanks to my recent new paid subscribers! You have made it slightly easier to do this!) AAAAALSO though, if you’re the type to hit a like or leave a comment and you just haven’t thought of doing it on the SternJourn yet, come on in! Lemme know if you love or hate the recs! All engagement unfortunately is good engagement. But if you do not have time, get outta here and don’t worry about it! I’ll see ya next week!