"Mutual-scream-laughing into a dear friend’s face"
Plus: revisiting a seminal SternJourn classic
Est. Read Time: 7 minutes. Read Time brought to you once again by the Ashburton Energy + Hair Logistics Group, in association with the Bradley Hills Bureau of Corrections + Housing.
New to the SternJourn? You’re getting this email because you subscribed or asked me to add you! It’s a place where Julian (me) talks about comedy, writing, productivity, and whatever the hell else he wants. Check out the best of 2022, 2021, or 2020!
SHOWS
Comedy Confessional at The Crow (Santa Monica) - Nov. 8, 7:45PM
Hell Yes Fest (New Orleans) — Nov. 11-18
Historical Roast of Queen Elizabeth II at the Hollywood Improv - Nov. 29, 7:30PM
Greetings Sternal Journalists!
Big week. I just got back from Atlanta, where good people are doing a lot of work (canvassing) to convince various hearts and minds to do their own less hard work (voting).
I was not one of these people. I was at a wedding. But I deeply appreciate their work.
Here is me scream-laughing with a dear friend at said wedding:
Mutual-scream-laughing into a dear friend’s face feels kind of boisterous-obnoxious, but it is actually a great joy and I recommend it.
Anyway.
As we are on the eve of a heebie-jeebie-existeegie week, I thought I might reprint arguably the most classic Sternal Journal of all time. Partially because I want to go to sleep and partially because it harkens back to another time when we all collectively wondered, “What the hell is about to happen?”
If you have no interest in engaging in such dark thought corridors, of course you may scroll down to the recommendations, where I’ll put some easy-breezy stuff.
But without further ado, from the 06/28/24 Sternal Journal, “A Hot Dog On a Train:”
Dear Sternal Journalists,
I went on a late run this evening. About five minutes into my run, if I'm going East on Beverly, which I was tonight, I pass a billboard.
It's a simple billboard. It is a billboard of a hotdog on a train. Not animated or anything fancy. Just a photo of a hotdog super-imposed over a photo of a train.
The billboard only makes a little bit of sense to me because I've lived in LA long enough to know there is a restaurant on the Sunset Strip that is in the shape of a train car and sells hotdogs. They also do hamburgers, but they push the hotdog thing way harder. I've never been, so I don't know why.
But if I ever went, I would be like "Well, I gotta get a hot dog. That's their thing."
ANYWAY, this billboard (for this cargo train-themed hotdog restaurant in the heart of ostensibly the glitziest part of one of the glitziest cities in the country) is nowhere near the restaurant. It's about a mile and a half away, not on the same road, and notably, you only see it if you're driving in the opposite direction of the restaurant.
It also makes no indication of where the restaurant is, except for small letters you have to squint to see at the bottom. And even then, it's just an address. No "Turn around! You missed us!" which, even if they were doing that shtick, it would have to be, "Turn around! Then drive for a little under a mile til you hit La Cienega, hook a right, then a left on Sunset, and look out for the train in a parking lot between two fancy hotels. You missed us!"
So to reiterate, all you really have on this billboard is a hot dog on a train. The name of the restaurant (which by the way, is Carney's, which doesn't matter) is off to one side, but in far bigger letters, the only other feature on this billboard, and the reason it has vexed my mind on so many runs are these words:
YOU AIN'T HAD NOTHING YET!
Hot dog. Train. You ain't had nothing yet. This billboard went up, or maybe I noticed it for the first time, during the first week of lockdown. It is above a bus stop that, a fair amount of the time, is inhabited by a homeless person.
So the first time I passed, I saw the billboard (Hotdog. Train. YOU AIN'T HAD NOTHING YET) and looked down to see below it a man who had clearly been the receiver of institutional and fate-based shit draws. And statistically speaking, would be the receiver of more of the same.
Woof, I thought. That is grim. And then I realized, "Wait, this applies to us too. We're in a lockdown right now. What if the Train Dog is saying it'll get worse? Heh heh, weird."
And then lockdown extended and I went on more runs where I would see hotdog-train-you-ain't-seen-nothing-yet and I was like, "lol maybe they should take that down."
And then protests and civil unrest over the unjust killing of, recently, George Floyd and, over centuries, countless black people by national, state, and local government employees.
And still the hotdog on the train tells me when I run by that WE AIN'T HAD NOTHING YET. Also, the font they use and the crude photoshopping heavily implies a Randy Savage tone of voice and a punctuation of "YEEEEOWWWWW!"
It is a truly absurd billboard and it is an absurd thing to draw my attention right now, but it's also the sole fount of undeniable truth I have met post COVID. The most knowledgable, responsible experts in their field are telling us, "We don't know much, and what we know changes everyday. And it is bad."
And the hotdog on a train tells us, "YOU AIN'T HAD NOTHING YET."
YEEOOWWWWWWW!
I know it's just a bad billboard that doesn't mean anything during normal times (other than, if we're being generous, "You've never had a hotdog like this one," which like, really? It's a hotdog) and has taken on a doomsday premonition vibe during this time of pain and horror.
I know that. But if I were to ever run by, and see them taking it down, I would miss it sure. But I would maybe also feel a gust of hope.
Oo-ee. I’m normally against people sharing old Substacks, but hey! I’ve been inconsistent recently and I’m tryna do anything I can to get back into flow. I promise not to make a habit of it.
The good news is, after many months, and two more Sternal Journals about it, the hot dog billboard finally came down. It’s been many things since then. I think it might currently be an advertisement for wearable-tech-slash-harbinger-of-dystopia, the Oura Ring.
But if I’ve learned anything over the four years since HTOAT was first published (and cherished by tens of people), it’s that it doesn’t matter what billboard is up there. It doesn’t matter how optimistic or pessimistic we feel collectively or individually. There will always be causes and practices we can engage in and grapple with to make our corner of the world a better place.
Let’s hope Tuesday’s outcome makes it easier to do all that (and please vote!). But whether or not it does, let’s remember the wise paraphrased words of the train dog: there’s always more yet to have.
Recommendations
The Social Network. Soundtrack. I watched the first 40 minutes of this on a plane and was reminded the soundtrack bangs. I personally cannot listen to it without feeling like all of my pain must mean I’m a genius. And that can be useful sometimes.
Shared-Use Paths. infrastructure? I spent a lot of time on Atlanta’s Beltline this weekend. It’s (I believe) 17 miles of paved path that connects tons of neighborhoods in the city. It’s packed with people and has absolutely transformed Atlanta away from being a car culture-only city (I am paraphrasing what one person told me on a tour. But I think it’s mostly right). Anyway, it reminded me of Rock Creek Park or the Crescent Trail in Bethesda, and they both rock so much. I think we need them everywhere, including in LA. I would like to connect Pan Pacific Park to Runyon Canyon, by way of Poinsettia and Plummer Parks. Who is with me?? We can do this!
That Thing You Do: the Oneders play together for the first time. Scene. I an against people watching movies in 60 second segments on Tiktok, but I watched this scene for the first time since seeing That Thing You Do 20 years ago, and it is just such a cool scene. All you need to know is that a 60s wannabe Beatles group is playing a talent show in Erie, Pennsylvania. Their drummer broke his hand and the guy who fills in gets excited and goes way too fast. But it makes their soulful ballad a rockin’ romp that gets the kids going. I love that in this scene, which has almost no dialogue, you see like five different reversals of fortunes, you see how this one choice affected every character. And also, with the lead singer battling the drummer for tempo control, it’s just sonically very cool imho. Check it out. I think it’s nice. The whole movie’s on Hulu.
Ben Mezrich’s Foolproof Formula for Hollywood Success. Article. I found this profile of sensationalist non-fiction writer Mezrich fascinating. The writer behind the novels behind Dumb Money, The Social Network, and 21, as it turns out, has gotten so into writing books that become movies, that he doesn’t even write the book until the movie rights are optioned. I know he didn’t invent this, but he seems to have perfected it. Reading the profile, I cannot help but think he is the smartest hack in the world and I believe it is despicable behavior and he is very happy and I could learn a lot from him.
Alrighty, that’s all! Sending so much to love to everybody.
Julian
Normally, I use this area to say that you can upgrade to paid if you’re rich. I hugely appreciate those of you who have, but nobody should ever feel pressured to! (Although huge thanks to my recent new paid subscribers! You have made it slightly easier to do this!) AAAAALSO though, if you’re the type to hit a like or leave a comment and you just haven’t thought of doing it on the SternJourn yet, come on in! Lemme know if you love or hate the recs! All engagement unfortunately is good engagement. But if you do not have time, get outta here and don’t worry about it! I’ll see ya next week!