Limp monuments and Dean Cain
What I talk about when I talk about staying in L.A.
Est. Read Time: 5 minutes. Read Time brought to you once again by the Ashburton Energy + Hair Logistics Group, in association with the Bradley Hills Bureau of Corrections + Housing.
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SHOWS
Spotlight Hollywood - Dec. 10
SAN DIEGO - Dec. 14-15
Drinking Habits @ The Crow - Jan. 24
Hello Sternal Journalists,
My least favorite question comes in a few different forms:
-Do you think you’re settled?
-Do you see yourself there longterm?
-Would you ever move?
I understand that they’re normal questions. I don’t know if I understand why.
Because ultimately, what you’re being asked is, “Do you plan to live in that city you’re in until you die? Or, before you die, would you like to go elsewhere?”
The question is just slathered in a forever-ness that I rih-healy do not like.
What I can say is I’ve been in L.A. long enough for many, many things.
I’ve been in L.A. long enough that, just a few weeks ago, when I saw the Hollywood Christmas Parade signs go up, I gasped.
Because in the 163 months I’ve lived here, these signs touted co-hosts Erik Estrada, the star of 1980’s highway cop show, CHiPs; and Laura McKenzie, a woman I have never heard of.
Year after year after year: Erik Estrada. And Laura McKenzie. Co-hosts of the Hollywood Christmas Parade.
The signs, which festoon lampposts and other high-viz landmarks, were updated every year. Their headshots? Updated never. Maybe once.
But this year, I gasped. Because it was not Erik Estrada and Laura McKenzie on the signs. It was DEAN CAIN, star of 90s okay superman show, Lois and Clark. (Laura McKenzie?Phenomenally? Still the co-host)
I had questions. Why no more Erik Estrada? Why still Laura McKenzie? And most important, are you all trying not to get famous people? Erik Estrada and Dean Cain are as identical as you could possibly get in terms of used-to-be-I-guess-still-technically-are-but-not-really-famous. It feels intentional.
And I want the answers to these questions, but I don’t want them that badly. Because the parade was today. And just like every year over the past ten-plus years, I completely forgot about it.
In fact, I don’t know anyone who has ever been to the Hollywood Christmas Parade, and nine times out of ten, when I try to bring up the Erik Estrada signs around the Hollywood season, absolutely nobody has even heard of the parade.
This is why I love it.
Because over a decade where Hollywood has not quite lost but certainly been challenged for its status as the entertainment world’s center of gravity, the signs advertising the Hollywood Christmas Parade are embarrassingly and endearingly old-school.
They practically scream:
“This is HOLLYWOOD. WE decide who is still famous and who is not. And Erik Estrada is STILL famous. YOU don’t think so?? REALLY? OKAY, guess we’ll have to really bust out the big guns here. Don’t say we didn’t warn you. Behold… DEANCAIN!”
These signs are such a limp monument to all of the flash and the fake of a tiny neighborhood that most people think is the whole city. It is not. But I love it.
I love these signs. I love L.A.
I understand why strangers and loved ones want to inquire whether you might live somewhere else.
They self-interestedly might want to know if you’ll ever be closer or further from them one day. They socially might want to learn even more about you. They empathetically might just want to know if you feel good, okay, and/or comfortable where you are.
I also know that I feel uncomfortable fielding those questions because I don’t feel totally comfortable with the idea of being in L.A. forever. I have too many people and things I love in other places. Maybe I will, maybe I won’t.
But I don’t even want that to negatively reflect my feelings of this place. Because I love it very much. And I know it pretty well. And I’d love people to start asking questions like, “However long you stay, what kitschy paradoxes do you look forward to seeing every year?”
Because that one, I can answer.
Recommendations!
CHiPs Intro. YouTube Video. All this being said, the theme song and opening for CHiPs is badass and so was Erik Estrada. Watching this while you make your coffee or whatever will absolutely give you a 4% better day. Also, the comments are the most wholesome boomer content I’ve ever seen.
Minimum Payment Due. Short Story. If you enjoyed the above essay of millennial ennui, you will love this much more brilliant short story about a man who is invited to a mysterious graduation by an old acquaintance. It’s in the New Yorker, so might be behind a paywall, but I think you get a free article or two.
Gladiator. Film. I watched this (the first Gladiator) for the first time. Very good. Can’t wait to see the second one. I hear it’s not as good. One thing: I wish they had been speaking in Italian accents instead of British ones.
Hecklers Welcome. Stand Up Special. I enjoyed this James Acaster special, although it took me a second to get into it because it was on the whole more of a straightforward stand up/storytelling special than I had imagined, with only rare interruptions by hecklers. Between this and Sandler’s new special, I’m all for specials that embrace true chaos without making it all about chrowdwork.
Alrighty, that’s all! For being good and making it to the end, here’s a picture of me as Shakespeare at the ten year anniversary of Historical Roast this past Friday:
Much love!
Julian!