Jostlin' in the aftertimes

A poem and a continued reading from last week!

Jul 11, 2022

Est. Read Time: 2 minutes. Read Time brought to you once again by the Ashburton Energy + Hair Logistics Group, in association with the Bradley Hills Bureau of Corrections.

New to the SternJourn? Check out the best of 2021, 2020, or whichever random classic this is.

UPCOMING SHOWS:

THURSDAY 7/14 (anywhere): I’m doing a show on Twitch! So you can tune in from anywhere. I don’t know much about it, but the host is a hilarious, nice guy and I think it should be fun if you’re looking for something to do from the comfort of your comp. It’s 10PM EST on https://www.twitch.tv/comedyhub

FRIDAY 7/15 (los angeles): Flappers. 7:30. Easy parking. Fun times. Come on!

AUGUST 4-28 (scotland): Edinburgh Fringe

Hello, Sternal Journalists!

If you loved last week’s SternJourn wherein I confessed my love for the new era of spam texts, you will be floored by this deep dive from writer and editor Max Read:

Read Max

What's the deal with all those weird wrong-number texts?

A few months ago I received the following WhatsApp message from a number I didn’t recognize: Even though it was clear this message was the lead-in to a swindle of some kind, I had to pause and admire the craft that went into its composition. Like everyone else, I get scam text come-ons pretty frequently, and they’re always poorly pitched and low-energy. …

a year ago · 109 likes · 40 comments · Max Read

It’s really good, very funny, a little sad, and truly fascinating. H/t to my birthday twin Alex of the AEH Logistics Group for finding it.

This week? Just a poem I wrote, showed to two people, and was convinced it was not-shit enough that I could share it here with you:

Uhhh I think this is hell guys (a poem)

I died boringly.

I opened my eyes. We were shoulder to shoulder. Chest to chest. All staring up at the Pearly Gates. Real and huge. Stories tall.

We were not a sea, but an ocean of people. We extended to the horizon.

“What’s this about,” I asked my neighbors. Many just jostled. One said “We’re in heaven. There’s just a really long wait.”

“How long?”

“We don’t know. Nobody’s gotten in yet.”

Woah, that’s a quick Sternal Journal this week. But if you need more than a nano-poem, like I said, go check out that Max Reads piece about the texts! Or check out…

Recommendations

Ambulance. Film. Holy shit, I watched the newest Michael Bay movie on the plane and it was amazing. It’s Speed meets Training Day meets Love Actually meets 9-1-1. It’s got Garret Dillahunt. Bay is back, baby!

Slow Horses. Television Show. I’m two episodes into this spy thriller about an MI5 reject office who gets drawn into a terrorist (white nationalists! The good kind of terrorist to portray on television!) plot, and I can’t get enough. I don’t know that it stays good for sure, but I’m sticking with it!

The Big Payback. Episode. I have taken forever to watch season three of Atlanta even though it’s as good as it ever was. If you are at all in my boat, let me just be another drop in the bucket-chorus of voices saying “Holy shit! Catch up! It’s good!”

Father of the Bride. Album. Today, I googled “happy albums” because that’s the mood I was in at the beginning of the day and was reminded of this absolute joy ball from Vampire Weekend with a heavy assist from Danielle Haim.

That’s all for this week! For reading this far, here’s another recent exchange I had with one of the spammers:

Hope you have a great week, and don’t forget to meet Mr. Nick at the coffee shop!

Love,

Julian

P.S. I spend anywhere between two and twelve hours a week on the Sternal Journal. If you enjoy receiving it (and are RICH) consider becoming a paying subscriber. For just a few bucks a month, you can provide me with a bit more time to come up with fun topics, poems, and interviews; and you with probably fewer typos.