If a shirt has something on the back, it should have something on the front
and other stuff about my new merch emporium
Est. Read Time: 5 minutes. Read Time brought to you once again by the Ashburton Energy + Hair Logistics Group, in association with the Bradley Hills Bureau of Corrections + Housing.
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SHOWS:
Su Crew @ The Hollywood Comedy. May 12th.
Comedy Loft (DC). May 28th. featuring for the great Sam Salem.
Pizza Party @ The Crow. June 24th. Tickets t come! Westside, free parking!
Hellooo Sternal Journalists!
I’ve had a dooze of a week, so I’m just going to tell you about the four items available in the merch shop I just launched. I will get back to REAL writing soon, I promise.
Item #1: Alabama Poop Train Certified Expert - Trucker Hat
If you know my comedy, you know I have a little ditty called the “The Ballad of Poop Train Girl.” That song is about the very real fact that in 2018, a cargo train carrying ten million pounds of New York poop was stopped in the town of Parrish, Alabama (population: <1,000) for two whole months.
This hat is for fans of the song who want to be able to spread the gospel and have some fun at a flirty bachelorette weekend. It is seventeen dollars and also available in black.
Item #2: “O.C.D. Large Canine Shirt”
I’ll be honest. There’s not a lot of places you can wear this one. But almost any beach boardwalk or dive bar or NASCAR race or concert of a musical artist who could be described as “rootin’-tootin’” will probably allow it, and life is most worth living in those sorts of spaces. This is a literal quote from a joke of mine where I try to use the concept of O.C.D. to describe what a Big Dogs shirt is. But for legal reasons, this is a large canine shirt. I think this one could actually take off. If anyone has any marketing ideas, send ‘em my way please. This shirt is twenty-two dollars and also available in red, white, or blue.
This is the only item in the merch shop (so far) which is not based on an existing Julian Joke (tm). I just love the idea of SF and NY tech hotties being per formatively into venture capital-funded businesses the same way many of us love to wear tote bags and shirts that encourage us to shop indie or local. I guess it’s an acknowledgment that, no matter how much we try to shop small, we’re fairly helpless to be free of big moneyed companies and isn’t it freeing to think of someone leaning into it? It is twenty-five dollars and only available in black.
Item #4: Chicken of Misery Tie Dye V.1
This is the centerpiece of this collection and also extremely controversial, as it is both the most popular item so far (by which I mean only one to sell) and some critics have an issue with the text placement on the front. I stand by it for now, but I called this V.1 in case I wanted to change it up. This is of course a reference to my song about depression-eating a whole rotisserie chicken. This piece reflects my belief that if a shirt has something on the back, it should have something on the front or else it’s totally uneven. I’ve been told I’m the only person who holds this belief. It is the coolest piece in the collection and therefore a few more bucks at thirty-two dollars and ninety-nine cents. It is only available in tie-dye at the moment.
That’s all for this week! Thank you for making me feel like someone who can have a merch shop. And now…
RECOMMENDATIONS!
The Midnight Library. Book. I bought this book at JFK airport and read it in one sitting flying to LAX. I per formatively closed the book and turned around to see if anyone had watched me read a whole book cover-to-cover on a single flight, but nobody had. Disappointing. The book was great, though. A disillusioned thirty-five-year old woman finds a magic library, in which each book lets her travel to a version of her life if she’d made a decision differently. It’s fairly formulaic and simple, but packed an emotional wollop, and I don’t think it was just my Ativan-that’s-prescribed-for-flying talking.
The Shops at Santa Anita. Mall. If you ever find yourself in Arcadia, get thee immediately to this mall. I was at the Dave and Busters there last night for a birthday and it was like I was back in 1997. Hustling and bustling, beautiful food court. Everyone deserves to experience a mall like this.
Civil War. Movie. I’m still processing this, but really like this new Alex Garland movie about four war photojournalists on a harrowing roadtrip through a modern American civil war. Pretty gut-wrenching and there was a woman next to us in the theater who was laughing way too much, but very very good.
Not Like Us. Song. In the dizzying rap beef going on between Drake and Kendrick Lamar (10 songs at this point, if you include Rick Ross jumping in), Kendrick’s (at time of writing, to the best of my knowledge) most recent offering is an absolute bop. It accomplishes some very heady arguments and also is the song I will be most excited to blast if it pops up on the radio or a dance floor. Drake has already responded.
Alrighty, that’s all for this week! Much love!
Julian!
Normally, I use this area to say that you can upgrade to paid if you’re rich. I hugely appreciate those of you who have, but nobody should ever feel pressured to! AAAAALSO though, if you’re the type to hit a like or leave a comment and you just haven’t thought of doing it on the SternJourn yet, come on in! Lemme know if you love or hate the recs! All engagement unfortunately is good engagement. But if you do not have time, get outta here and don’t worry about it! I’ll see ya next week!