I was on a plane that had to land twice
And thank god one of them worked because I have a show next week
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NEXT SHOW: February 17, 7pm: Can’t Even Comedy @ Mama Shelter. Free+outdoor!
Hello, Sternal Journalists!
Fun, quick story this week: On my flight back to LA from DC this week, as we were about to touch down at LAX—I’m talking seconds from wheels on the tarmac—the plane suddenly sped way up and TOOK OFF AGAIN.
As I started emptying my bowels into my pants (mostly metaphorically), the woman next to me said “Thaaat’s not what you wanta happen.” And the plane just kept climbing.
Again, this was a plane. A big one. One of the ones they send from Washington, D.C. to Los Angeles, California; one of the ones (most importantly) who takes off when you think they’re gonna take off, lands when you think they’re gonna land, and really never mixes up the two.
So you can imagine just how much bowel emptying (metaphorically) had gone on when we were now over the Pacific Ocean and the pilot came on to notify us that they had had to do a “go-around” because the runway had not been cleared as quickly as it was supposed to.
“Go-around.” That’s a cute name for taking more than one try to land the plane. And listen, I don’t want to knock the pilots. I’ve done plenty of reading about go-arounds now (some would say too much for a guy who has general aviation antsy-ness) and it seems that more accidents are caused by a pilot deciding not to “go-around” when they should rather than vice versa.
But it was still pretty spooky. Because, when you’re a scared flyer, people throw stats at you: “It’s the safest mode of transportation;” “Odds of dying in a plane crash are 1 in 10,000 versus 1 in 100 for car crash.” Etc. etc. etc.
But, as we were climbing over the Pacific, I suddenly had a new, if small, data set: this plane has attempted to land once. It has successfully landed zero times.
But don’t worry, Julian! We’re going to “go around” and try one more time to do this thing WE NOW HAVE A ZERO PERCENT SUCCESS RATE OF DOING!
If you think about it, even now, I was on a plane last week that had a 50% success rate of landing! Hoo-ee. It wasn’t an experience I’m dying to have again, especially because according to Wikipedia, long-haul pilots only perform the maneuver once every 2 to 3 years and call me old-fashioned, but I prefer my pilots only ever playing in easy mode.
Still, I’m glad they had the flight prowess and quick thinking to make the right move and it’s kind of cool that I got to experience this thing that apparently only happens roughly 1 in every 1,000 flights. But please keep those 1 in 10,000 odds way away from me.
Anyway, here’s a poem I wrote on my last flight while blissed out on Ativan (which I take for flying anxiety and I can now report really, really works well).
Notes in an airplane bathroom
I adore that an airplane bathroom won’t turn
on the light until you lock the door.It’s so comforting, it’s so caring, a room telling
you, “don’t you worry, you’ve got a lot to think
about, don’t you worry, I won’t let anyone
come in while you do what you do in here.”And that comfort comes in handy because
later when you flush and it makes the sound
unlike any land toilet and for a split second you
wonder if something’s gone haywire, the room
says“Don’t you remember? Don’t you worry, you
know I take care of you. I’ve done it since the
second we met.
And here’s a picture of a sign from the bathroom when I thought of the poem. Isn’t it sort of way too visually interesting to be a warning not to flush a comb down a toilet?
Anyway, onto…
Recommendations!
The Trojan Horse Affair. Podcast. Serial Productions is at it again. I have devoured almost all of this 8 episode podcast from Brian Reed, the host of the first Serial spin-off S-Town (itself a must-listen if you haven’t) and Hamza Syed, an investigative journalism grad student who brings Brian a story that was national news in Britain, but never fully investigated in Hamza’s eyes. It covers municipal politics, the rampant and specific Islamophobia in the UK, the nature of journalism itself, and all while somehow essentially being a buddy comedy. I’m jealous that you have more episodes left than I do.
The Mitchells vs. the Machines. Film. This very funny and heartwarming animated movie stars Abbi Jacobson and Danny McBride as a daughter and father duo in a family who happens to be the last four people to be rounded up in the robot apocalypse. If you’re in the mood for such a thing, you will love it.
No Time To Die. Film. I was a huge Bond fan growing up, but somehow fell off when the Daniel Craig tenure began. If you’re like me and have been feeling the heft of needing to begin at the beginning, don’t! This was as Bond as ever, I didn’t feel I was missing anything, and it even get me a little teary-eyed near the end!
Hot Tub. Song. Yung Gravy, Dillon Francis, and T-Pain.
Alright! Here’s to having a week full of sticking the landing the first time.
Love,
Julian
P.S. I spend anywhere between two and twelve hours a week on the Sternal Journal. If you enjoy receiving it (and are RICH) consider becoming a paying subscriber. For just a few bucks a month, you can provide me with a bit more time to come up with fun topics, poems, and interviews; and you with probably fewer typos.
Thaaat’s not what you wanta happen!