Est. Read Time: 3 minutes, one b-room visit. Read Time brought to you once again by the Ashburton Energy + Hair Logistics Group, in association with the Bradley Hills Bureau of Corrections + Housing, as well as the Indialantic Department of Scatotemporal Standards.
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Shows: Literally none. But don’t worry, that just gives me time to become stronger. If you live in a city, or frankly area of Los Angeles, where you want me to do a show and think you and a few friends would be there, I’ll do it. I’ve got an idea for a themed show called 18-34 where I just spend a few minutes on every age within the demographic of 18-34 which I will leave by my next birthday, because I think it’s crazy that that’s a whole demographic. It makes me think of one of my favorite lines of fiction ever from Catherine Lacey’s “Cut:”
It felt so wrong that ten years would turn a ten-year-old into a twenty-year-old. Somehow it should take more time than that.
Catherine Lacey is a fuckin’ poet of a fiction writer and you should read her stuff. I aspire to be like her. One way I could be like her is by doing more shows: little bar shows where I have five minutes to tell poop jokes like maybe opening with “You know sometimes people poop when they die? Sometimes, I’m like, ‘If I die right now? I’m definitely poopin;’” or medium club shows where I trot out all the hits; or bigger conceptual shows like Julian Stern Keeps Trying or 18-34. I will do all of those and more, I just don’t have any on the calendar right now. So sorry.
Sternal Journalists!
Wow. Really upended the form this week, didn’t I? Pretty cool, huh? How I did a whole diatribe in the section that’s normally just reserved for links and upcoming shows? Three years in and we’re still innovating. Thank you, Sternal Journalists. Here’s a screenshot of some of my best recent TikTok comments:
25% favorite, 75% nah-no-meh? Those are odds I can get behind! And now:
Recommendations:
Knock at the Cabin. Movie. I just watched this new M. Night Shyamalan movie with the other of Classic Slumberfect, Chris. He said “That might have been awful.” I really liked it but can’t begrudge someone who thinks it might have been awful. Watch the trailer. If you’re into that, that’s what it is. If you’re not, don’t watch the movie. If the trailer makes you say, “Intriguing, but I hope there’s more to it,” there’s not. Don’t watch it. Dave Bautista is I think maybe the most talented post-WWE actor there is though?
She’s A 10 But… (Remix). Song. I’m still in my grime phase, and I felt incredibly blessed that my guilty pleasure Yung Gravy hopped on this very catchy hit by ARTAN.
PAINTING PICTURES. Song. There is specifically one insane line on here, and I don’t know if it’s insane good or bad, but otherwise, it’s just got an incredible feel.
Oldest Living Aristocratic Widow Tells All. Article. If you like gossip and/or The Crown, you’ll love this New Yorker article about an associate royal who is churning out (two) memoirs late in life.
Bing’s Revenge / The Bing Who Loved Me. Podcast Episodes. These two episodes of NYT tech podcast Hard Fork are a great and entertaining primer on the AI search engine hootenanny.
Mal Crush Monday. Substack. If you like the Sternal Journal and want more stuff like it in your life, you’ll love this funny, endearing, straightforward weekly newsletter from sibling-of-Ben-Kassoy-if-you-know-that-guy, Mal Kassoy. It’s annoying how these Kassoys are all effortless with the funny and endearing stuff, and I know it’s annoying to them that I say that because they obviously work at it. If you don’t want more stuff like the Sternal Journal because you’re maxed out, I’m sure Mal and I would be okay with sharing custody of your subscribership.
Alright, Sternal Journalists! I think this one will actually go down in history as a sleeper great.
Much love!
Julian
P.S. I spend anywhere between two and twelve hours a week on the Sternal Journal. If you enjoy receiving it (and are RICH) consider becoming a paying subscriber. For just a few bucks a month, you can provide me with a bit more time to come up with fun topics, poems, and interviews; and you with probably fewer typos.
“You know sometimes people poop when they die? Sometimes, I’m like, ‘If I die right now? I’m definitely poopin;’”
I think about this ALL the time, and it's the #1 reason I fear death.
Dave Bautista is I think maybe the most talented post-WWE actor there is though?
Possibly! (Though I thought he was awful in the new Knives Out, but so was...everybody) https://www.gq.com/story/20-best-wrestlers-turned-actors
Mal Crush Monday.
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