A Sternal Journal Returnal
The Sternal Journal
Kidfriendly, this week only!
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Sternal Journalists,
Let me tell you something: children's book writers are some of the coldest motherfuckers I have ever come across (I guess it's not that kid friendly, my apologies).
If you should ever be so unlucky as to aspire to write something for children and look for resources on the internet about amplifying or bettering it, god help you.
Because you will find some of the brightest, most encouraging, gentlest minds in the world telling you to go to hell. If you don't believe me, watch this quick, excellent interview with icon Maurice Sendak where he says "Go to hell. Go to hell!" in the first 43 seconds.
They will tell you that whatever you have written is trash, too long, and definitely not rhyming in any of the ways you want it to be.
I'm sure they have a right to be mad. I bet they've had to endure hundreds of party conversations where people belittle their work or worse, say they've "always thought they had a good idea for a children's book, how many words is it anyway?"
And even though I, as I am about to demonstrate, am one of those people who absolutely has a children's book idea I think would be great, there's something I really, really love about children's book writers being the most bitter, jaded writers in the already pretty bitter, jaded industry of writing.
It's just nice to see nice people have meltdowns sometimes, this isn't news. But also! Their meltdowns can be pretty helpful.
The main things I gleaned from all of my reading and rewriting and rereading and rerewriting is that my children's book idea, Snacking with the Snack King (a cutesy tale about professional burnout) was way too long and had some meter issues.
It is now within the bounds of industry standards, and (almost) strictly follows anapestic tetrameter (duh-duh-DAH), a meter shared by Edgar Allen Poe's Annabel Lee and Eminem's The Way I Am.
And I published an old version a while back, but some new Sternal Journalists have joined the fray, and I spent a lot of time on it this week so I thought I would share the new and (I hope?) improved (but lmk if you disagree)...
SNACKING WITH THE SNACK KING
So the town that I’m from is just south of a mound.
At the top, there’s a house who ne’er lets out a sound.
And the neighborhood rumor I thought was a fact?
That the man in this mansion got rich making snack.
So I stalked up the block of this snacking savant
and I knocked on the knocker shaped like a croissant
But then just when I thought, “Not a bad, little plan.”
The door swung to reveal… a sad little man.
“I’m… sorry,” I said to this sorrowful sight.
“I’m a child from the town, and I thought that I might
kindly ask the Snack King for some tips or advice
on my living a life that’s so snack-y and nice.”
The man “Hm’d!” Then he humphed, and then curiously,
… he uttered these words: “The Snack King is me.”
Then he grumphed and he sighed and he opened the door.
And he gave me this speech as he gave me a tour:
“I’ve got snacks upon snacks upon snacks upon snacks.
I’ve got so many snacks, I can’t even relax!”
“But now wait, let’s rewind. I’ll begin at the start.
I was just a wee toddler with mom at the mart.”
“We had walked down an aisle that I couldn’t believe.
It had treats by the tube. There were chips by the sleeve.”
“They had names like Puffsplozion! and Nut Butter Blam!
And I knew in that moment that this was my plan!”
“Yes, I knew in that moment- I promised, I swore-
that one day, I would become a snack connoisseur.”
“So I quickly enrolled at a fine snacking school.
Where we learned noshing know-how and made tidbit tools.”
“I was top of my class! Yes, Summa Yum! Laude.
Then that night, all the snack grads went out and got rowdy.”
“But not me, oh no, I stayed in and kept toiling
on Oh-Hos and Twizzles and their points of boiling.”
“Got a snack-making job and I rose in the ranks.
I developed the plans for some pretzel-filled franks.”
“Everyone knew that my snacks were the snackiest!
All that I touched turned to cheesy, miraculous,”
“crackery, crumbily, lick all the wrapper-y,
chip-dip so hip that you take a big nap-ery...”
“SNACKS! I’m sorry. You mentioned a question.
You’re seeking some career-in-snacking direction?”
“Well, now you listen here and just heed my advice.
Turn around! Run away! Don’t you even think twice!”
“Because chasing the snack arts is lonely and dooming.
Snacks should be consumed! Not do the consuming!”
“There’s no time for me, though. I’m fully betrothed
to a life I once loved. But this life I now loathe.”
So I gathered my gumption, I stared straight up at him,
And here’s what I said to him, truly ver-bat-im:
“Like you, I love snacking. I’m simply obsessed.
I’ve admired for years and you’ve always impressed.”
“But I snack for enjoyment, for love of the game!”
Now, you do it for titles and fortune and fame.”
“So then maybe consider your negative notion
might simply be solved with a bite of Puffsplozion.”
“A taste of your childhood, nostalgia to nibble.
Then maybe you wouldn’t just quarrel and quibble
“about all these things that are really so tiny.
You’re the Snack King! You needn’t be whiny.”
So I reached in my pocket, and procured a puff
that I’d brought in case breakfast had been not enough.
And he eyed it with eyes that I hadn’t yet glimpsed.
They were ravenous, cavernous, reverent blimps.
He then took it, he ate it, and said so profoundly:
(And these are the words I will leave you with now-ly),
“Oh! My goodness! My crackers! You’re right!
It’s flooding right back to me! Cheesy delight!”
“It’s okay to work hard, it’s a great way to be!
But only when doing so passionately!”
“For the work you are doing can never replace
The reason for working! The snacks and the taste!”
“The crisps and the crinkles all over the land!
For hard work and no love makes snacks very bland.”
END
Ya know! It's somethin'! If you read this far, thank you, truly open to feedback.
Also things I recommend for the week:
Search Party S3 (HBO Max): I really fell off on season 2, but am loving the 3rd season so much I almost want to go back and see if I missed something. If you like kooky mysteries and dark satires of millennial culture, check it out.
Revisionist History Season 5 finale, "Memorial for the Living": What do the 9/11 Memorial and a homeless count in Jacksonville have in common? They're both memorials; one for the dead, one for the living. What don't they have in common? Funding. I listened to this episode twice.
The First Fifteen Lives of Harry August: Great book about a guy who realizes that when he dies, he's just born again in the same place he was last time, but remembers everything from his previous lives. And he's not alone!
Alright! That's all!
Julian