A hot dog on a train

The Sternal Journal

In agmine scit farciminis

Dear Sternal Journalists,

I went on a late run this evening. About five minutes into my run, if I'm going East on Beverly, which I was tonight, I pass a billboard.

It's a simple billboard. It is a billboard of a hotdog on a train. Not animated or anything fancy. Just a photo of a hotdog super-imposed over a photo of a train.

The billboard only makes a little bit of sense to me because I've lived in LA long enough to know there is a restaurant on the Sunset Strip that is in the shape of a train car and sells hotdogs. They also do hamburgers, but they push the hotdog thing way harder. I've never been, so I don't know why.

But if I ever went, I would be like "Well, I gotta get a hot dog. That's their thing."

ANYWAY, this billboard (for this cargo train-themed hotdog restaurant in the heart of ostensibly the glitziest part of one of the glitziest cities in the country) is nowhere near the restaurant. It's about a mile and a half away, not on the same road, and notably, you only see it if you're driving in the opposite direction of the restaurant.

It also makes no indication of where the restaurant is, except for small letters you have to squint to see at the bottom. And even then, it's just an address. No "Turn around! You missed us!" which, even if they were doing that shtick, it would have to be, "Turn around! Then drive for a little under a mile til you hit La Cienega, hook a right, then a left on Sunset, and look out for the train in a parking lot between two fancy hotels. You missed us!"

So to reiterate, all you really have on this billboard is a hot dog on a train. The name of the restaurant (which by the way, is Carney's, which doesn't matter) is off to one side, but in far bigger letters, the only other feature on this billboard, and the reason it has vexed my mind on so many runs are these words:

YOU AIN'T HAD NOTHING YET!

Hot dog. Train. You ain't had nothing yet. This billboard went up, or maybe I noticed it for the first time, during the first week of lockdown. It is above a bus stop that, a fair amount of the time, is inhabited by a homeless person.

So the first time I passed, I saw the billboard (Hotdog. Train. YOU AIN'T HAD NOTHING YET) and looked down to see below it a man who had clearly been the receiver of institutional and fate-based shit draws. And statistically speaking, would be the receiver of more of the same.

Woof, I thought. That is grim. And then I realized, "Wait, this applies to us too. We're in a lockdown right now. What if the Train Dog is saying it'll get worse? Heh heh, weird."

And then lockdown extended and I went on more runs where I would see hotdog-train-you-ain't-seen-nothing-yet and I was like, "lol maybe they should take that down."

And then protests and civil unrest over the unjust killing of, recently, George Floyd and, over centuries, countless black people by national, state, and local government employees.

And still the hotdog on the train tells me when I run by that WE AIN'T HAD NOTHING YET. Also, the font they use and the crude photoshopping heavily implies a Randy Savage tone of voice and a punctuation of "YEEEEOWWWWW!"

It is a truly absurd billboard and it is an absurd thing to draw my attention right now, but it's also the sole fount of undeniable truth I have met post COVID. The most knowledgable, responsible experts in their field are telling us, "We don't know much, and what we know changes everyday. And it is bad."

And the hotdog on a train tells us, "YOU AIN'T HAD NOTHING YET."

YEEOOWWWWWWW!

I know it's just a bad billboard that doesn't mean anything during normal times (other than, if we're being generous, "You've never had a hotdog like this one," which like, really? It's a hotdog) and has taken on a doomsday premonition vibe during this time of pain and horror.

I know that. But if I were to ever run by, and see them taking it down, I would miss it sure. But I would maybe also feel a gust of hope.

Also, I had a dream that I did a meet and greet with Eric Garcetti and I was planning to say "Black Lives Matter Defund the LAPD," but also to try to get him to say Dangus Carangus for me. Then he got upset when I said the first part, so I decided it would by in poor taste to try get a Dangus Carangus out of him which, to be fair, it would have been anyway. He needs to be held accountable for his actions and inactions, not give me soundbites of my catchphrases.

All of this is to say, maybe we're all going a little crazy right now. I know I am. Wear your mask. Write personalized e-mails to your elected officials. Accept meaning from wherever you can find it, including a wise hotdog on a train.

Recommendations:
-(Action!) Submit a written public comment before 9am pst in support of the County Board of Supervisors to adopt a Care First Budget!
-This instagram comic.
-Zelda: Breath of the Wild. Kristen bought a Switch and I haven't played a video game for real since Ocarina of Time, but I am determined to get past Jabbu Jabbu's Belly on this one.

You Ain't Had Nothing Yet (but in a good way this time),

Julian