Turns out you all love reading my nonsense during work hours
The Sternal Journal
Surely the most important newspaper owned by a megalomaniac
Well, well, well, Sternal Journalists,
(Actually before I get to my "Well, well, well" monologue, 3 things:
1. If you're in LA, vote YES ON R (jail reform) and against DA Jackie Lacey. I'm voting for Rachel Rossi, but voting for either candidate other than Lacey is most important.
2. I got a show at Copper Still Comedy in Koreatown on Tues 3/10 at 8:30.
3. I just moved all my bandcamp stuff to iTunes/spotify/google play/etc., so in case you (understandably) couldn't bother navigating bandcamp and want to listen to my two ~singles~ and one album, find em wherever you find music or comedy! Here's the spotify link because that's what I use.
Okay, back to it.)
WELL, WELL, WELL.
When I did the first ever Monday Sternal Journal last week, I thought I was letting you down. I thought I was blasting you with my e-mail at a time when you, of course, you would love to be able to read my little missive, but you just wouldn't have the time on account of your important duties at work.
HA! Was I ever proven wrong. It turns out that you all welcome the chance to halt your own productivity, if not commerce or the economy writ large, to open a little old e-mail from little old me within business hours.
You see, Mailchimp gives me a little report of how many people open my newsletter and the Monday Edition blasted past (am I using "blast" too much?) every other Sternal Journal since that time I click-baited you into reading my manifesto about creative adaptation disguised as a story about me misusing drugs.
So this is all to say I'm doing it again because maybe you prefer that? Feel free to let me know.
I'm also doing it again because my good friend Chris had a birthday yesterday and Kristen and Chris and I spent it on Catalina Island, so I didn't get around to doing it yet. Here is a picture of Chris and I from the trip:
Oh, my mistake. That is me and a statue of Old Ben, a sea lion who was famous on Catalina in the late 1800s and early 1900s for being way too comfortable approaching humans.
According to his Wiki page, "Ben was known to bellow from the middle of the street until someone gave him a fish." Which explains my mistaking him for my friend Chris. My friend Chris has been known to do the same thing.
As is often the case when someone is way too comfortable approaching humans and good at bellowing for fish in the street, Old Ben was primed for Hollywood, where he starred alongside Fatty Arbuckle and Mabel Normand in the 1914 Mack Sennett film, The Sea Nymphs. Do not read about Old Ben's death. It is very sad. (However he did survive getting shot once!)
To cleanse the pallet, here is an actual picture of Chris and I, taken moments before he strolled into the road to start bellowing for fish:
Jk. It's moments before we continued many moments of fun island activities amongst great friends. The bellowing for fish stuff was a joke. If Chris has ever bellowed for fish in the street, I didn't personally witness it.
Happy birthday, Chris. Thank you Kristen for taking great pictures of Chris and Old Ben and I.
Moving on:
Before we go, I had a conversation with a friend earlier today (this is truly hot off the presses) where I accused this friend of pearl clutching. That person pointed out that "pearl clutching," while a fun phrase and an effective burn, may be sexist and is definitely at least gendered.
Which I completely get, and agree with! I'm going to try to start replacing it in my scathing takedowns of good friends' political takes (no, we actually had a very mature, responsible hashing out of our opposing thoughts. You should try it!)
But I looked it up, and there's not much of a "pearl clutch" replacement at this point, so I got to thinking and searching and came up with:
MONOCLE-POPPIN'!
That moment when the billionaire's eyes open so wide that his monocle pops right out? Same imagery as pearl clutching but less sexist (it seems like monocles were more of a male thing, but I found pictures of women wearing them too!) In my opinion more fun to say also.
In general, people get pissed when they're told they should stop using a certain word or phrase that is low-key bigoted in some way. But if we just accept that someone is offended, or that the language is ineffective, we get to make up new words.
*rainbow noise*
T H E M O R E Y O U K N O W
Finally, quick recommendation:
RMR's Rascal: Whether this trap-ballad-Rascal Flatts-rework goes truly Old Town Road-style mainstream viral has yet to be seen, but I contend (and plan to spend a future Sternal Journal arguing) that it is a premonition of what's to come in both rap and country music. AND I LOVE IT.
Okay, that's all. Talk to you next Sunday or Monday, we'll see.
VOTE TOMORROW IF YOU HAVEN'T!
Julian